8k

Mid-2015 will mark five years since I left New York. Lots has changed since then -- some bad, some good, and now I find myself in Toronto (TO) living with my significant other.

One thing that changed was my running, and I struggle all the time now with trying to get back the passion that I once had for the sport. My obsession has all but dropped away and now it takes a great amount of self-persuasion to get out the door. When I do, the running is slow, plodding, and often I can't find the energy no matter how deep I dig down. I feel like the weight will never come off -- there's not that much, I admit, but this spare tire is definitely inflating. I long for those days when my music inspired me, I was light on my feet, and was surrounded by an encouraging, supportive group similar to myself.

Today I got out for 8k, and it wasn't bad. Listened to some U2, and reflected on things. It was a very casual run and I was just happy that I was able to finish without walking. during my jog I considered the prospect of doing another marathon. I need to make a schedule; do some planning.

It's supposed to be a very cold week here, so it's probably a good time to start up again and look at just going out every second or third day. Fingers crossed that I have it in me.

Yuck

yeah, I really hate the new Blogger setup. What the hell were they thinking? I agree it needed a makeover, but this just seems very cold and not user friendly at all.

The Things We Leave Behind

I get homesick for New York sometimes. Not as often as I used to, but in a different way. It used to be a big picture "removed from where you belonged" type of feeling. I missed my friends and alll the aggregates of what it was to live there: my daily commute on the subway, my daily rituals, and places where I liked to hang out. Now, my missing NYC is based on details: seeing a TV show with a stone wall in Central Park and knowing how many times I'd walked/ran past it, just during the day-to-day living in the city. Or watching a movie about baseball and remembering all the Yankees games I'd been to, and how I changed into a baseball fan. Even the weather.

I wish I could let it go, but I doubt that I'll ever be able to do that entirely. It'll always be part of me. New York has such an effect on you, there's nothing to compare with it, and there's no way to even explain it to others. I've had a few friends tell me they were thinking of leaving and I've advised them not to. If there's a regret that I have in my life, it's that I left New York City. You just don't know what you've got until it's gone. Truer words have never been spoken.

For now I'm here, and I need to deal with it.

The In Between

I'm not sure what happened to me. I feel like I've been in a coma for the past two or three years. Ever since the heart surgery in 08/09, and G and I broke up in 02/10 and I lost my job in Manhattan in 5/10, I just haven't been normal; I haven't been happy. I moved back to Canada and went through the deeply heart-wrenching withdrawal that comes with leaving New York City. I expected it... I mean after over a decade how could you not? But not to the extremes that it affected me. Seriously, just over a year ago things were so bad that I probably could have used a stint in AA.

I became disillusioned with my career, and one of my very best friends died in the spring of '11. Lots of nasty things kept happening. Crappy relationships with women. Cockroaches. Bed bugs. (Don't get me started on the bed bugs!). Anyway, some of these things are worth coming back to in future posts, but some not.

I am currently in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, and I hate it here. I generally don't like to use the word "hate", but in this instance I can't describe it in any more accurately. I know that much of why I hate it is just in my head, through a matter of the above circumstances, through no fault of the town. But I hate it here just the same. It's a far cry from life in NYC, and frankly, when I thought of moving here... well, I don't really know what I was thinking. All I know is that this still doesn't feel like the right place for me.

I thought the runner in me was dead. Seriously. I managed to scrape together just enough mileage so that I could actually finish the Ottawa Marathon last May, but just barely. I was hating running... Running became no longer an escape from my problems, but made me face them head on. Lots of anger would well up when I'd start my run, and many, many times, after just half a mile, I'd turn around and come back to my crappy apartment. In the last 6 months of 2011, I thinkI ran about 15 miles. And I gained 15 pounds. Crap.

However, after I decided to leave Ottawa, and told my supervisor at work that I'd be moving, I felt like a weight had lifted, and suddenly there was this guy inside me who suddenly wanted to lace up the running shoes again. It was very strange. I still haven't done a lot of running... mainly because it's so goddamn cold here in winter, but at least I've done some, and that's a start.

So... where am I now? I'm sort of "in between" everything. On the upside, I've been on a string of good luck (i.e., nothing horrible has happened) since the fall. Still, I'm looking ahead at making big changes. I've been officially unemployed for a week after quitting my job, and planning towards making Toronto my new home. I went for a visit again a few weeks ago, and while it's not NYC, it is Canada's next best thing.

I have some savings, so I'm not in crisis mode with the job-hunt, but I do need to get my ass in gear and start pounding the pavement. I spent last week being too much of a perfectionist with writing and rewriting (and, well, procrastinating from writing) the resume, and I finally realized this weekend that I need to just wrap it up and start applying. So it's done now, with the exception of some proofreading and a bit of formatting. Yeah, so now it's time to face the truth: I need to get another job. Ugh.

I'm Back

Yeah, I'm back on the blog. Looks like I need to do some renovations... some house cleaning at a minimum. Actually, I see links and stuff here, well, that I have no idea what they do, so maybe a little catch-up tutorial is in order.

More to come, tomorrow.

Changing Moods

Good day today.

However, it started off crappy. I should've got more work done (Ahem... should have got any work done) this weekend, but instead I was in a foul mood all weekend, and sat on my grumpy ass at home for most of it. Saturday night I went out to a Flyers' party, which was a fun time, and I really had hoped that this was going to snap me back to my jolly ol' self, but it did not.

And so the workweek started with a heightened stress level, feeling very far behind on my upcoming deadlines. Fortunately, the day evolved productively, and I made headway on one of my projects. The turning point was really my run later when I ran with JM for the first third and then the usuals, CD and BH, later. I felt like I turned into quite a chatterbox tonight. I usually do, but more so this evening, although I couldn't tell you for the life of me what I talked about. Anyway, the run put me in a good mood and I finished with a little over 7 easy miles under my belt. I had hoped that my run on Saturday would have had a similar result, but with no luck. Funny how sometimes it helps and sometimes not.

Back at home, I changed into workout gear and headed over to the gym, just an avenue away. I was quite pleased by this. Going to the gym was a New Year's resolution that so far I've been able to keep. (OK, I know, we're only 11 days into the new year... but still.) It was a short workout, as they usually are, but it still felt good, and made it all that much more enjoyable when I ended up back home eating chocolate ice cream for dinner.

And if ice cream doesn't appropriately cap off a good day, I don't know what does.

Resolutions 2009

In the last five or ten years, I've been pretty big on New Year's resolutions. I normally come up with 3-5 solid ones. Sometimes they pertain to my diet, sometimes running, and sometimes they just involve one single action that I've put off for a long time.

This year has been a toughie. I've asked people for opinions about resolutions and nothing's ringing my bell. Oh, and by the way, I'm not a stickler for resolutions starting at the stroke of midnight January 1st. I figure even if you come up with one within the first few days after that it's still in the spirit of the point of making a resolution, and a good start to the year in general.

Most of my friends' suggestions involved running: more mileage, setting personal records, etc. But those seem redundant now. I guess the idea behind making a resolution is really to change things for the better, and I made many of those types of resolutions in the past... having been pretty successful, it doesn't make sense to say "more PRs" when I'm always striving for more PRs. I guess a similar comparison would be someone resolving to lose 40 lbs, succeeding, and then the next year resolving to keep the weight off. It's sort of taken for granted.

Anyway, I did resolve to go to the gym at least twice a week. I bought a membership at NYSC at the end of September, and in the following 3 months I only went about 6-8 times, I think. So that was one. Any other ones I tried to make, seemed pretty weak.

Then Friday happened.

I can't really say what happened, but suffice to say I made a promise to someone to do something very important and I didn't follow through. I can't really say it because it's just too embarrassing, and if I did, none of you would ever trust me with anything ever again. I wish I could characterize it as just a slip up or a minor mistake, but it was a doozy, and I'm still trying to think of ways that I might make it up to the friend(s) that I let down so terribly.

The thing is, though, I've been beating myself up over this since Friday. It really ruined my weekend. I know that the punishment should probably fit the crime, but maybe I'm taking it a bit too far.

Most people who know me well say I'm too hard on myself. This seems to apply a great many things including dating, personal abilities and talents, and in this case, mistakes I've made. Some of my closest friends through the years, MM, NF, AR, and DM, have told me that a lot. This includes running, too. I was so disappointed with my Philadelphia Marathon time at the end of November, and it took a friend of mine to open my eyes by saying, "A bad day for you is still a Boston qualifier." I realized that I was going overboard on my high expectations for myself.

So my resolution this year is going to be to take it a little easier on myself. This sort of goes against my whole "quantifiable" rule, but too bad. I just need to relax a little, and maybe the quantifiable rule needs to go in this case. If nothing else, this is at least a starting point for me, and maybe I'll figure out how to quantify it as I go on.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still going to try to make up for my wrong-doing. These are good friends and I'd hate to lose them over doing one stupid thing, so I need to work at reinvesting in that relationship to regain their trust. However, there's definitely no reason to beat myself up over it. What's done is done and it's better to move ahead with the experience and hopefully never do it again.

And for my own personal sanity, I'll try to take it easy on the running expectations. And then maybe I'll try to get a date... someday.

But first, it's off to the gym...